LifeTherapy.us will allow you to verbalize your feelings about your marriage, your partner and outside influences that may affect your relationship. We can use e-mail or live chat to help counsel you through dilemmas and difficulties. We've got a lot of information about marital relationships.
Are You Ready for Marriage?
Is getting married right for you? What do you need to know before you walk down the aisle? We advise you to take a closer look at yourself and the relationship before tying the knot. Ask yourself these questions.
Why are you getting married?
Be honest and evaluate the reasons behind your engagement. Write a list of pros and cons about your partner and your relationship. If you have to talk yourself into marriage — don't. If you have to talk your fiancé into marriage — no way! Make sure you are not getting married to escape or avoid something. Have you just always wanted to get married? That's not a good enough reason. If you get nauseous shopping for a wedding dress or seem to be sick every time you have to meet the caterer, listen to your body.
Do you know and trust your partner's personal history?
The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. Learn from it. How has your partner behaved in past relationships? How have they behaved with you? What has your partner learned about marriage from his/her parents? Look closely at your partner's parents — children learn what they live.
Have you planned a marriage — or just a wedding?
Cake, flowers and fine china are all exciting, but there's more at stake than one day. Your wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime. You don't just want to be married, you want to be happily married. Think about the next 50 years. Put at least the same amount of time and effort that you are using to plan your wedding into planning your marriage. Develop an emotional prenuptial agreement with your partner, outlining how you'll handle children, discipline, money, division of labor, religion, careers, in-laws, geography, etc. If you don't plan for and discuss these topics, you won't be able to successfully merge two lives together.
Are you investing more than you can afford to lose?
Look at the cost of your relationship. If you have to give up your friends, career, or family, for example, the cost is too high. If it all falls apart, are you going to be emotionally bankrupt? It is better to be healthy alone, than sick with someone else.
Have you identified and communicated your needs and expectations?
Know yourself. You can't determine if somebody is good for you if you don't know your own needs. It's not selfish to have goals within a relationship. Express your needs and expectations now — not when you're already in the marriage. What are your absolute deal breakers? Do you know your partner's?
Dating & Relationship Counseling
Dating can present some of the most stressful situations in life, although my web designer assures me it's nothing compared to not dating for a decade or so. LifeTherapy.us can help to answer questions you might have about dating and relationship issues.
Not much hope for web developers, though.
First Date: Dos and Don'ts
Meeting the love of your life doesn't take one huge step; it takes lots of little steps in the right direction. To up your chance of finding him or her, you've got to get out there, make an effort and make sure you see and are seen by as many qualified new people as possible. Remember, what you say is only a portion of what attracts people to you. The other part is all the nonverbal actions and mannerisms that speak volumes.
Dr. Phil's Rules For Dating
Are you aware of the first impression you make? People react to how you present yourself — so pay attention to the statement you make. If you're not sure how you might be perceived, ask someone who will tell you the truth. Remember that men are visually stimulated.
Seven percent of communication is what you say, and the other 93 percent is non-verbal. That 93 percent screams your "personal truth," what you really believe about yourself when nobody is looking. If you're carrying baggage — insecurities, fear, desperation — people can tell.
While Dr. Phil cautions about expecting someone to meet a checklist, he does think it's OK to have deal breakers. But you need to know what they are and get rid of the ones that are frivolous. Be open to someone who may not meet all your requirements, while recognizing what you're not willing to compromise on.
When you feel the pressure of time, you can make mistakes, overlook important details, or misjudge someone. Don't base everything on chemistry, because marriage is not one long date. Let the natural rhythm of a relationship run its course without getting too impatient or forcing things.
Keep in mind: The number one fear that men have is rejection. They need to see a vulnerability, an approachability, so they feel like they have something to offer you. Are you so into your comfort zone of being single that you're putting out a vibe that says "I don't need you"?
Counseling for Online Dating
Different rules for dating on the internet. I can help you improve your chances for E-Romance! LifeTherapy.us can give you practical advice and point you in the direction of those loveless web-heads and normal people using the internet to find happiness in dating.
The Dos and Don'ts of Dating Online
These days, going online is as common a way to meet someone as a blind date or the bar scene, and you can connect to people of all ages, religions, professions and backgrounds from all over the globe. Online dating can be a great tool for broadening your options as long as you are smart, are cautious and take some very important safety steps. Creating Your Online Dating Profile Questions to ask yourself before you write your profile:
What is special, unique, distinctive, or impressive about you or your life story?
What details of your life, personal or family challenges, history, people or events have shaped you or influenced your life goals?
What have you learned about past relationships, in terms of yourself?
What are your relationship goals?
Have you had to overcome any unusual obstacles or hardships (for example, economic, familial or physical) in your life?
What personal characteristics (for example, integrity, compassion, persistence) do you possess, and how can you demonstrate that you have these characteristics?
Why might you be a stronger candidate than others?
What is the single most compelling reason you can give a person to be interested in you?
Jim Safka, CEO of Match.com offers these tips:
Do include a photo. People who've uploaded a photo get 15 times more attention than people who don't have a photo.
Make sure you smile in your photos. That sexy face you're making? It may come across to some people like your scary face.
Don't hide your face behind a pair of sunglasses or a hat. Potential love interests will want to be able to see your beautiful face.
Don't show too much skin. Nobody wants to see you pose seductively in your kitchen in your tighty whities.
Do make your headline a grabber. Think of all the great advertising slogans you've ever heard. They're imprinted in people's minds. You want to do the same thing with your profile.
Consult your friends and family for help in writing your online profile. There are things that they love about you that you might not otherwise think about for yourself.
Don't use clichés. You may love long walks on the beach, but who doesn't? Say something interesting about yourself that is unique to you.
Don't forget to run spell-check. If you have misspelled words in your profile, it tells the world that you just don't care about what you're doing.
Do respond to every e-mail that you get. If you were walking down the street and someone said hello, you'd probably say hello back. It's the same protocol online. Respond, even if the answer is a simple, "No, thanks."
Keep it light. Your first e-mail should not be a rant about how expensive gas prices are. Keep it lighthearted in tone and keep it simple.
Don't reveal confidential information in your e-mail exchanges. If you were at a local coffee house, you wouldn't give out your home address to just anyone standing in line.
Don't meet in person until you've actually talked on the phone. You know voice and sound are great way to judge chemistry.
Cyber Safety
Verify information on a potential match as thoroughly as possible.
Always create a separate e-mail account for your online dating activity.
Get a post office box, rather than using your home address, to register for the dating site. (Do this for all sites where an address is required.)
List your cell phone number, not your home number, if the site requires one.
Change your cell phone billing address so it goes to your post office box. That way, if some nut has access to a backward phone book (one with phone numbers in numerical order and their corresponding addresses) he can't look up your address.
When chatting or e-mailing, never give more than a first name, and keep it that way until the first date.
Install a privacy checker on your computer. This lets you set privacy standards and be alerted when a dating site doesn't meet them. These checkers are often free and can be downloaded online.
Personal Relationship Values
In relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, the spirit and attitude with which you do things is at least as important as your actual actions. Embrace and incorporate these powerful values, and you will start living with more integrity, honesty, compassion and enthusiasm. This, in turn, will breathe new life into your relationship.
Own your own relationship.
You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again believe you're a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship.
Accept the risk of vulnerability.
Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to lose yourself.
Accept your partner.
If your partner experiences in you the spirit of acceptance, then it is most likely that he/she will find you approachable. Two partners who are moving toward each other, rather than both trying to seek safety from pain, have a dramatically improved chance of reconciliation.
Focus on friendship.
You have to take a step back from the problems and pain of your intimate interactions, and focus on your partner's positive qualities. Turn back the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that matured into an intimate relationship.
Promote your partner's self-esteem.
You must bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive action. Find the courage and creativity to promote and protect your partner's self-esteem, even when you feel compelled to be critical. By using the value of self-esteem, you provide a much more nurturing atmosphere, one your partner will not want to abandon.
Aim your frustrations in the right direction.
Work at sorting out the causes of your frustration, and resist the impulsive temptation to pick at your partner. Once you start seeing that the negative things you perceive in your partner are often things you see in yourself, you will literally alter the nature of your interactions with your partner.
Be up front and forthright.
Nothing can be more frustrating than what is referred to as an incongruent communication, where an individual says one thing yet indicates something dramatically different with his or her nonverbal conduct. Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship upon integrity rather than lies and deception.
Make yourself happy instead of right.
Start evaluating the things you do in your relationship based on whether those thoughts, feelings and actions are working. For example, you don't have to prove over and over that you know what you're talking about more than your partner. Instead, choose a different emotion such as tolerance, understanding or compassion that does not escalate hostility in your relationship. By deciding to be happy rather than right, you will be receptive to your partner's attempts to de-escalate hostility and return to civil interactions.
Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil.
Rough times and arguments happen, and one way or another, they are going to impact the relationship. You must vow to no longer use threats as a lever to manipulate and control your partner. By doing so, you are setting a clear limit on the places a spirited discussion with your partner will not go.
Put motion into your emotion.
You must turn the concept of love into a proactive behavior. Don't be so consumed with negative messages that your expectations are low. You must require yourself and your relationship to truly be better.
Gretchen's 10 Biggest Myths of Relationships
MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS
You will never see things through your partner's eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences.
MYTH #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A GREAT ROMANCE
Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don't kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.
Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It's impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.
Don't make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren't in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.
MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING
Don't fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can't be happy if you can't resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.
There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can't you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
You can simply agree to disagree and reach "emotional closure" even though you haven't reached closure on the issue.
MYTH #4: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES COMMON INTERESTS THAT BOND YOU TOGETHER FOREVER
There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don't share common interests and activities.
If you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities but the results are stress, tension and conflict, don't do it!
MYTH #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS A PEACEFUL ONE
Don't be afraid to argue because you think it's a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue.
If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by (a) releasing tension and (b) instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated.
Instead of worrying about how many times you argue, worry about how you argue. Here are some guidelines:
Don't abandon the issue and attack the worth of your partner during an argument.
Don't seek conflict because it's stimulating.
Don't pursue a take-no-prisoners approach in your arguments.
Don't avoid achieving emotional closure at the end of an argument.
MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS
Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can't forgive something that was said during uncensored venting.
Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we're letting loose often don't represent how we really feel and shouldn't be communicated — especially if they are potentially destructive.
MYTH #7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX
The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners.
Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the "importance scale" if it's a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the "importance scale."
Don't restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life.
MYTH #8: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP CANNOT SURVIVE A FLAWED PARTNER
Nobody's perfect. As long as your partner's quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them.
Instead of focusing on your partner's shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn't mainstream, doesn't mean that it's toxic to the relationship.
Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with.
MYTH #9: THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP GREAT
Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive "right way" to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you.
Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work, you can write your own rules.
Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner's expressions of love. There is no "right way" for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn't make those feelings less genuine or of less value.
MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT
Don't fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life.
Visit my self-help center for online links, or for self-help materials to help you through your troubles.
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